Ho-Ho-Holy Sh*t… Read this week’s holiday Modern Family recap before you get snatched up like a kid in Mexico…

‘Twas a week or two before Christmas, and all through the backyard of the house, not a creature was stirring, but the family was freakin’ the hell out when they realized they were not going to spend Christmas together.  Sorry, I had to ditch the decadent, Christmas poetic style before ‘ol Saint Nick slapped me upside the head…

So the solution to this horrific holiday predicament?  EXPRESS CHRISTMAS!  The entire family splits up to wrap, cook, and decorate their way into a quick Christmas celebration… This spells disaster.

Hayley leads Claire on an impossible quest that only her entire life’s shopping training can prepare her for.  Meanwhile, Mitchell, Alex, and Lily search for the perfect, symmetrical, non-pink/gay Christmas tree that exists…

Jay nearly breaks Cam’s heart when Cameron’s thoughtful gifts of a cork and subsequent duplicate bottle with date and score engraved of the first football game the two watched together falls short of an emotional impact.  Phil and Manny’s day seems to be going swell, as Manny accidentally shocks Phil with a stun gun during a super secret Craigslist sale gone wrong.

And just like that, in a perfect, imperfect moment the perfect Christmas Tree and the nostalgic guardian angel are smashed to bits, along with the family’s willingness to place the pieces back together and truly accomplish Express Christmas.  But then, when you least expect it, a Christmas miracle occurs – Jay comes through in the clutch, forcing his family out the door to what they think is a trip to a Chinese dinner and instead is a magical Christmas winter wonderland – as artificial snow blankets the front yard.