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Suburgatory – Season 1 – Episode 13 – Sex and the Suburbs – 2/8/12
Oh no! Every parent’s (and child’s, for that matter) worst nightmare has occurred. George found condoms in Tessa’s room. Awkward! While George is talking to Dallas, trying to get advice on how to handle the situation, she recommends that it’s time for George to talk to Tessa about sex – specifically, the different kinds of sex: make-up sex, break-up sex, etc. George declines that idea, and decides that the only way to keep Tessa away from boys is to find something that’s more fun than sex. Obviously, he decides to organize a game night with Tessa’s friends.
Tessa comes home with Scott in tow to find George hanging out with her friends, Lisa and Malik, and playing board games. Tessa introduces George to Scott, and then asks Scott to go outside, since she’s pretty sure George is having a stroke. He does seem quite perturbed at meeting the boyfriend. Tessa begs off game night, since she and Scott have dinner plans.
Unfortunately, dinner with Tessa and Scott isn’t the magical experience Tessa had hoped for. Scott can’t seem to stop talking about Africa, and Tessa is getting seriously annoyed (but not annoyed enough to just tell him to stop). In her voice over (she is the narrator, after all – this is a story about her life) she tells us that she probably would have dumped Scott already, if it wasn’t for the war she’s waging against Dahlia. Why is that relevant? Because Dahlia has just walked into the restaurant. Tessa tells Scott to “kiss her like she’s Africa,” and throws in some ridiculous moaning for good measure. Dahlia walks by and tells them to “buy a hotel.” Well – she almost got the expression correct.
Meanwhile, George is still playing board games with Lisa and Malik. He creates one of the most awkward situations ever when he asks them when teenagers generally start having sex. Malik becomes flustered, and asks if he can call his parents to go home. Lisa, confident as she is, tells Malik she’s “got this.” She tells George, in a very matter of fact way, that when to have sex is a very individual decision and the online virginity calculator can tell you the answer based on your height, weight, hair length, and zip code. Lisa is scheduled to lose her virginity when she’s 18. Malik is apparently going to lose his when he’s 16 … but he takes a look over at Lisa with dreamy eyes, and says he can wait. WOAH! Later, George obviously checks the online virginity calculator using Tessa’s stats. Drat, 16 seems to be the age for her. But, what if George makes her get a hair cut? Oh that George, always thinking!
Over at Dallas’s house, she’s thanking the man from the country club for stopped by and picking up her dry cleaning – looks like being a member has more perks than just golf and tennis. The country club guy reminds her to check the pockets of the clothes before he leaves, and what does she find? A pair of lacy pink panties – size M/L! Dallas is furious. She works out for hours each day to keep her bottom in tip-top shape, and Steven (her husband) is fooling around with an M/L. It’s the ultimate insult.
Later that night, Tessa returns home to tell George that she’ll be sleeping at Lisa’s. She feels bad because she’s been spending so much time with Scott and neglecting Lisa. George hands Tessa the condoms he found in her room. Tessa is furious because she thinks George was snooping around her room, when in reality he was just turning off the radio. The pair have a fight, and Tessa storms out of the house screaming every teenage girls’ famous last words: “You treat me like a child.” Note: Tessa is 16, and therefore still a child.
Dallas has decided to take matters into her own hands, and is meeting with Aaron – her lawyer – and discussing the M/L incident. Aaron tells Dallas that she needs to remember that while Steven may not be the best husband, he is an excellent provider. She needs to decide if this is a “huge” problem, or just an “M/L” problem because once the papers are served, they can’t be unserved.
At the sleepover, Lisa and Tessa are discussing Tessa and George’s fight. Lisa, pragmatically, suggests Tessa simply explain to George that she hasn’t had sex, but Tessa thinks it would be better to fake a pregnancy to get back at George for snooping in her room. As the girls turn out the lights to go to sleep, Lisa says into the darkness, “I think Malik made a pass at me during game night.” He most certainly did, Lisa, he most certainly did.
The next morning, everyone in town is apparently at breakfast at the country club. Ryan, Lisa’s brother tells Tessa that he wants her back. Tessa then introduces him to her boyfriend. Smooth. When Tessa heads to the buffet George intercepts her and tells her that it looks like she’s awfully hungry. She tells him that she’s eating for too – considering the name Xavier as both a boy and girl name. George tells her again that he didn’t snoop in her room, and that she’s being ridiculous. Meanwhile Dallas comes up, announces that Steven is dating a heifer, and says she is going to hit the gym. Tessa joins her.
When George heads back to his table, Noah sets in telling him that just because he’s a single dad doesn’t mean he can’t be a single dude, and that he needs to get back onto the casual sex scene.
While Tessa and Dallas are working out, Tessa goes on an apparently hours long rant about Scott. She doesn’t like him, there’s no spark, she hates hearing about Africa, etc. So what is she holding on to? At the end of their work out, Tessa tells Dallas she’s been a huge help, even though she didn’t say 2 words. Tessa walks away, and it appears Dallas has had a moment of clarity, and says that Tessa was a big help too. Dallas then gets on the phone with Aaron, her lawyer.
Back at home, George is alone (Tessa is at Scott’s). Jocelyn, one of the women who works at the country club, shows up at George’s door holding a pair of women’s bifocals, saying that he left them at the club. When George tells her they aren’t his, he decides to follow Noah’s advice and basically whore it up. Cue him and Jocelyn getting frisky all over the house. Jocelyn, however, appears to be kind of a freak, and is shouting the names of various board games the entire time. YAHTZEE!
At the same time, Tessa is at Scott’s house. She goes around the back of the house to his backyard, where he has a tent set up … and a goat. When Tessa asks what the goat is for Scott says that it’s an African courtship offering for George, so that he knows he’s serious about Tessa. Scott also says that he knows Tessa wanted a physical relationship, but he wasn’t ready… so he got ready. He then walks into his tent, sprawls out, and invites Tessa to lie with him. Tessa declines.
While she’s walking home from Scott’s, Tessa (who got custody of the goat in her breakup with Scott) runs into Jocelyn on the sidewalk. Jocelyn is flustered at being caught during her walk of shame. When Tessa encounters George, he asks what the goat’s for. “It’s a gift for you from my ex-boyfriend…. it wasn’t what you thought. And it wasn’t what I thought either,” she responds. Tessa then also gives George a hard time about Jocelyn leaving, since she obviously wasn’t “the love of George’s life.”
Cut to Dallas’s house, where she’s wearing a tiny, shiny dress and dancing around the house. Dahlia sees her and asks if Dallas and Steve are getting a divorce. The next day at school, Dahlia is telling her friends that her parents are getting a divorce (so I guess the answer was yes), and she’s excited because she’ll get two birthdays, and two bedrooms to decorate. So practical.