As the show begins, Tessa is telling us that Chatswin is the “silly trend capital of the world.” Apparently, Chatswin is the birth place of male nannies, the silly royal hat trend, and now … apparently … the divorce trend.
Jill, Noah’s wife, is about to get in the shower when the shower head falls and hits her in the head. She storms downstairs, bleeding from her head, and begins arguing with Noah because she had asked him to fix the shower head before and he, clearly, didn’t.
At a cafe, Tessa is sitting with Malik and Lisa. They discuss the fact that Dahlia is wearing her hair in a fishtail braid (another trend on the rise), and randomly Dahlia waves at Lisa. Lisa is super excited, but Tessa says that Dahlia is only being nice to Lisa to get back at Tessa for stealing her boyfriend – Scott Strauss.
Back at Noah’s house, he goes into the bathroom to find Jill unconscious on the shower floor with blood everywhere. The shower head fell, again, and knocker her out. We next see the pair at the hospital, where Jill is being told by the doctor that she’ll need to have her nose re-broken to make sure it heals straight. Noah, somehow thinking that he is helping, tells Jill that if she wants to get anything else fixed (“you know, a little sprucing up”) she should tell the doctor, since she’s going to be under anyway. Jill is understandably irritated with Noah. Then, Dallas comes into the recovery room “positively glowing.” When Jill asks what she had done, Dallas says she went up half a cup size to celebrate the divorce (and also lists off a litany of other things she had done), but mostly that she’s just thrilled that her marriage is over. As she’s wheeled away, Jill tells the doctor she wants everything Dallas had done, done to her.
The next day, Dahlia invites Lisa to sit with her and her friends. Lisa happily obliges, while Tessa and Malik sit shocked. While Dahlia’s friends marvel at how Lisa speaks just like their grandmother, Dahlia tells Lisa that they’re like twins because they both have long blonde hair (Lisa’s hair is red), their names both start with D (absolutely untrue), and because they both hate Tessa Altman (probably untrue…?).
Elsewhere, George walks into Dallas’s store (the one that says all the crystal stuff) because he’s got to pick up a light fixture. Dallas is in there with Yanni (Wilmer Valderrama) and they’re canoodling up a storm. George becomes irritated, and he and Yanni get into a peacock contest. Eventually, Dallas asks Yanni to leave so she can speak to George. As Yanni is leaving, he calls Dallas’s dog to follow him. George tells the dog to stay, and the two of the men are in a stand off, waiting to see which of them the dog will choose. The dog chose George. (Which is good, because Yanni is dressed ridiculously.) Dallas tells George that he can’t tell her what to do, and that she is a grown woman. As she begins to storm away, she points out that it is her “dazzling crystal emporium,” and that George should be the one who leaves. So he does.
That evening, Dahlia shows up at Lisa’s house. When Lisa’s mother answers the door, she asks Dahlia if she’s looking for Ryan or for “the comfort of a stable home.” Dahlia says she’s looking for Lisa… “the girl one.” Lisa’s mother is so excited that Lisa finally has a shot at being popular that she stands in the doorway screaming, “It’s happening!” Lisa and Dahlia go back to Dahlia’s house, and Dahlia gives Lisa a makeover – so that her eyelashes don’t look so stumpy (she is such a good friend!).
Over at Noah’s house, Jill tells him that she is leaving him. Noah seems to not believe her, until she walks out of the house with a suitcase. Noah heads over to the country club, where he is curled up on a couch speaking with George, Tessa, and some guy that works there. As he’s entering the most desperate place in his depression, AJ – a 9 year old – walks in, angry with Noah that he missed their time on the tennis court. Noah tells AJ that he just doesn’t understand, because he’s never felt the way Noah feels. AJ tells Noah that, in fact, he has felt that way, and he managed to solve the problem pretty easily. His solution was to hold the hand of the best friend of the girl who broke his heart all day during a field trip. It made the girl jealous, and things have been going well ever since. While George tries to talk Noah out of it, Noah decides that it’s an excellent plan. Tessa also ponders the value of such a plan…
The next day at school, Tessa passes a note to Dahlia’s friend Kamantha. She meets up with Kamantha later and suggests that the best way to get back at Dahlia is for Kamantha to be the new Lisa, until the old Lisa gets sick of being the new Kamantha. Uhm - okay. At the dance that night (at which The Situation – of Jersey Shore “fame – is DJing), Kamantha meets up with Tessa and Malik decked out in Lisa-gear. Lisa see them, and seems instantly irked.
Meanwhile, the adults (George, Noah, Dallas, Jill, and Yanni) are at a club. Noah is putting his plan into action – intending to dance and flirt with all the other women to make Jill jealous. However, when he tries this Jill just gets irritated and walks away. Dallas is dancing with Yanni, but she’s looking at George… sparks are flying.
Back at the dance, Dahlia tries to make Lisa feel better by letting her order riding boots on her phone. Lisa goes over to Malik and tells her that she never wants to see him talking to “that little Swagjacker” (Kamantha) again. Tessa goes to confront Dahlia, and explains to her that she isn’t even dating Scott anymore. Dahlia tells Tessa her parents are getting a divorce. Tessa says she knows, and that it must be painful. Dahlia tells Tessa that what will be more painful is when George and Dallas get married, and Dahlia is Tessa’s new sister, and George loves Dahlia more, so they send Tessa off to a boarding school, and then she’s forced to open a catering company, but the catering company is horrible. Okay, so Dahlia isn’t forgiving Tessa for dating Scott.
Later that evening, (at 8:45) George and Noah are back at George’s housing pigging out on pizza. George tells Noah that he needs to try to win Jill back, because he clearly loves her and he will regret it if he doesn’t. Inspired, Noah heads to Dallas’s house (where Jill is staying – apparently in Dahlia’s room … who apparently sleeps in tiaras) on horseback, with a bullhorn, to profess his love for Jill. Jill seems irritated and adverse to the idea of reconciliation, but Dallas tells her that it’s clear Noah really loves her, and that she really loves him (“Steven never would have ridden a horse for me – and we owned some!”). Dallas’s words get through, and Jill joins Noah on the horse. Unfortunately, when Noah tried to beat a yellow light, there was an accident and Noah got pretty banged up. He did, however, break Jill’s fall (Noah tells her that he would have broken every bone in his body for her) – and for that, she’s grateful. As he’s being wheeled into the ambulance, Jill tells Noah that if he wants any “sprucing up” done, now is the time to tell them. Zing!
Finally, Lisa has rejoined Tessa and Malik. Lisa tells them that if she could do it all over again… she would. Because she knows Tessa and Malik are her real friends, and you can take your real friends for granted (oh?). Tessa demands to know if Lisa is kidding, and she says of course she is. She then tells Tessa to get her something to drink. Seems that Dahlia’s diva ways have rubbed off on sweet little Lisa.