Poor, poor baby girl Shosh…and Jessa. Last week, the two got nearly zero screen time, and this week, they both got a little too much. Though it ultimately ended well, Shosh was shocked and horrified to find that Ray, her more than 10 years her senior boyfriend, is a “huge loser” who has been living with her, which comes as a huge surprise to no one but Shosh. She’s mostly pissed because she would have called her aunt for advice and maybe bought new sheets, but she also feels like Ray has no passion, no interests. Ray is distressed and says he’s been waiting for this to happen, for Shosh to leave him because she’s so beautiful and cute and he’s a loser. Shosh then tells Ray she’s falling in love with him, causing him to be even more stressed and Shosh to apologize, only for Ray to then tell Shosh he loves her…so f*cking much.
In Jessa’s world (isn’t it always?), she meets Thomas-John’s parents for the first time. Though off limits subjects like the couple’s matching tattoos were successfully avoided, Jessa’s past wasn’t, and though much to our surprise Jessa and Thomas’ dad got along swimmingly (he always wondered what heroine was like!), his mom accuses Jessa of being a gold digger, how lucky she is to find herself in such a “successful situation.” After dinner, Thomas expresses not only his disappointment but his disgust in Jessa, saying that being with her is the biggest mistake he’s ever made and that he knows she’s with him for his money. He is a unicorn after all. Jessa is unapologetic, saying one day she’s going to be fat because she is so full of experiences, and that before she leaves she wants $30,000, though she’ll settle for $11,500 because she “did things she shouldn’t have and didn’t want to do.” Jessa then lets herself into Hannah’s apartment and climbs into a bath with her. Her marriage may be over, but snot will never not be funny.
Jessa’s not the only person who ends up in Hannah’s apartment this episode, but first, she’s gotta make room. Elijah leaves, and though he tries to get out of paying the rent because of all the burritos (with add-ons!) he paid for for Hannah in college, she argues that it was his duty, and the butt plug he also wants to be reimbursed for is also reBUTTed (!) because he probably still uses it… Now that Hannah’s living on her own and her first piece is being published, she decides to throw a dinner party where she makes organic pad thai (duh) and invites Shosh, Ray, Charlie, Audrey and Marnie. She claims she didn’t think Marnie would show up after their recent fight, but she does (duh x two), and awkwardness ensues. Duh x three.