Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria announced the birth of their baby girl on Friday. Baldwin’s 17-year-old Ireland, from his first wife Kim Basinger, welcomed her new half-sister Carmen in to the world with a long open letter filled with big sisterly love and advice, which she posted on her Tumblr titled “Happy Birthday”
You have entered the world! Welcome! We have all been anticipating your arrival! By we, I mean a lot of people. Girl, you haven’t even met them, but there are a ton of people who care about you. I’m not sure where exactly to begin. There are so many things I want to tell you, though it is best that you discover those truths on your own. There are countless lessons that I want to teach you, but I have faith that you will learn a majority of them on your own journey and they will help you grow. Though, I do want to take this opportunity to share the little knowledge I do have on a few things. You will eventually make your own decisions, but hopefully you will listen to and use the knowledge I have gained from my past experiences and from the results of my many mistakes. Here is a list. Simply the most complicated list of lists. You won’t understand some of it, I’m sure. Or… maybe you will? Maybe you are some kind of genius. Rocket Scientist. Maybe you have a future at NASA or some shit. I’m very bad at math, so let us all pray that you got the math gene. Maybe you will never encounter any of the following. In case you do, you’ll have a few guidelines. Trust me. I sure wish I had an experimental, older, wild child of a sister. I would have been way better off. So here I am. Hopefully by the time you read and understand this, we’ll be best friends, sitting in some rad coffee shop in Brooklyn, talking about bands and how hot Channing Tatum used to be hot. Maybe cars will be hovering and shit. Anyways. Here it goes. Take it or leave. Live it, learn it, love it.
1. REMEMBER THAT YOUR PARENTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. As a kid, you forget that sometimes. When they are screaming about this and bickering about that. It hurts. Grown ups yell. I don’t know why, but they do. No matter what your mom or Dad says or does, simply remember that they love the shit out of you. NEVER forget it.
2. WALK AWAY. This applies to arguments. Especially with your parents. I have said many things to our Dad and to my mom that I regret terribly. I have hurt their feelings countless times. It isn’t worth it. Don’t dish shitty things right back at them. Don’t say things out of anger. You will get extremely annoyed with your parents. TRUST ME. Parents are cray cray and sometimes you want to just put a muzzle on it. BUT they don’t make muzzles for parents and again, it just isn’t worth it. Just say you’re sorry and leave it at that.
3. ENJOY YOUR CHILD HOOD AND YOUR TEENAGE YEARS!!!! I grew up way too fast. I always hung out with an older crowd. I always wanted to do what the big kids were doing. I always wanted to date older boys. It is ok to have older friends. That’s not the point. The point is, act your age, not your area code. If you’re 11, be 11. If you’re 16, BE 16. Love it. I am currently 17 years old and I am worrying about things that I have no clue why I am even worrying about them! One of these days, you will own your own home and pay all these lame bills. Enjoy not having to pay bills. Seriously.
4. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. In elementary school, you may not necessarily care about your outward appearance as much. For me, I started to care in Middle School. I started to compare myself to my classmates and to my friends. I would come home and sob for hours because I had super rosy red cheeks and hairy legs because I didn’t know razors were a thing. We’ll get into shaving later. In high school, I started to care about other’s opinions of me too often and I began to hate my body. I simply wasn’t good enough for my own two eyes. You may be as awkward as a hillbilly at the opera in middle school and part of high school, but believe me, you will grow out of it! Don’t beat yourself up! Eating clean and staying fit won’t be difficult for you considering your mom is the Dalai Lama of yoga and eats beyond healthy. Enjoy your pizza parties and your Starbucks. I’m sure you and I will bake together and go on milkshake dates. We can even workout together. I’ll always be your gym buddy. Just remember, the happiest girl in the room is the prettiest girl. By projecting your inner beauty, you will shine.
5. ALCOHOL, WEED, AND PARTIES, OH MY! Maybe you won’t give it a shit about any of it. Maybe you’ll wait till college or maybe you’ll be a nun from an early age. When you want to try your first drink, it’ll should be with me. I will take you to a nice restaurant. That’s right Carmen, I will wine and dine you. By wine, I mean you can take a few sips of mine but don’t get too crazy. Don’t be that girl that get’s wasted at parties and crawls on bathroom floors. It ain’t cute. Luckily, I’ve never there, but I have gotten too drunk. Usually I would just pet people like farm animals and turn into a lesbotron and try to kiss a bunch of girls. I know right?! EWWWWWW. Your mom and dad I’m sure will give you the hoe down about drinking and driving and always keeping your eye on your cup. I’m not here to give you the advice that your parents are going to give you. This is my own advice. As for weed, don’t smoke it at a party. Be somewhere safe. With people you trust. Like in a treehouse with me and pizza hut…I… I mean friends. Not me. Ha. I’ll be like… 40…. But I’ll still come anyway. BE SMART. Trust your gut. If you don’t want to do it, say no. I’ll probably be parked in a minivan outside of your parties with binoculars….So no funny business.
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