Have U Heard??

If you thought Larry went too far last week with the Jesus painting incident, you were probably completely appalled by this week’s episode.

Over the course of half an hour, Larry managed to commit two murders.   The first murder occured after Larry’s spew of anger towards Norm, the slowest golfer at the country club.   Unknown to Larry, Norm has high blood pressure, and being yelled at by Larry causes him to suffer a fatal heart attack.   This tragedy could have been avoided had Larry’s cousin not ordered well done fried onions with his breakfast and delayed Larry’s group so that they were behind Norm’s.   Larry’s cousin proves to be even more of a nuisance later  in the episode, when he assumes that Larry’s offer to pay for his daughter’s college education implies a willingness to pay for his wife’s cosmetology school.           

Larry commits his second golf course homicide the next day, after he’s nearly attacked by a black swan while searching for his ball.   Unfortunately, the swan he bludgeons to death is the beloved pet of the club’s owner, Mr. Takahashi, who already has it out for Larry due to his repeated violation of the club’s “no cell phone” rule.   After finding out about the incident, Takahashi calls Larry, his cousin, Funkhouser, and Jeff into the office for questioning, where Larry winds up on the opposite end of his signature staredown.

 Although Larry isn’t indicted during the Takahashi inquisition, he must take extra precautions to ensure that he isn’t found out at a later date. Norm’s funeral proves to be a disaster; because Funkhouser puts Larry’s earlier verbalized belief about an introduction being a stupid social convention into practice, Larry basically winds up calling the stone mason who’s supposed to fix his mother’s headstone a jerk- right in front on his face.   Things go from bad to worse when Larry’s cell phone rings during the service and he throws it over his shoulder, only to have the country club waiter pick it up.

 Because he suspects that the waiter may have read an incriminating message from Jeff, he breaches his protest against math and gives five hundred dollars in addition to the country club’s standard eighteen percent gratuity the next time he has breakfast there.   Takahashi concludes that anyone that generous could never be capable of killing a swan, but is proven wrong when he sees Larry’s mother’s headstone while walking to Larry’s car, which reads

 “Mother of Larry David: A-Hole and Swan Killer”

Although it can only be presumed that Funkhouser ratted Larry out to the stonemason, one thing is for certain: if the Catholics were offended during last week’s episode, the PETA people must be furious this week.   Stay tuned next week for the Seinfeld reunion read-through.

 Written by Kristen

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