Have U Heard??

This week’s episode starts with Kristen and a bearded Brody on another date, I mean…..friendly lunch.  Kristen and Brody’s mom continue their love fest as Kristen goes on about sharing clothes with her, which is a great segway for her to subtly inquire about Brody and Jayde’s relationship by asking, “DO YOU GUYS STILL TALK? DO YOU TALK EVERY DAY? ARE YOU GETTING BACK TOGETHER??”

Kristen must have decided she was starting to sound desperate so she threw in “not that I care, I just want you to make a decision based on your own happiness.”  Good recovery, Kristen. 

Heidi pays a visit to her shrink Dr. Jordan Mansbacher sans Spencer to inform her that she is taking her baby problems into her own hands, sharing her perfectly rational and well thought out scenario that “spencer is telling me he doesn’t want kids, but I think he wants kids, but he doesn’t know he wants kids”, and that she has decided to just stop taking birth control and surprise Spencer with a baby.

Dr Mansbacher looks at her with a horrified expression, and calls her nothing short of hormonal and irrational.  Surely Heidi’s shrink telling her she is crazy will change her mind, right?…

Next up is Brody and Frankie are shooting pool with a mystery man, and he lets everyone know that Kristen is back in the picture and Jayde is out. His friends let him know that he is much more fun with Kristen in the picture, which he balks at, and apparently disagrees.  Frankie pushes further that he gets mean and sad because of Jayde.  So wise, Frankie, so wise.

We now see Jayde waiting for her friendship dinner with Kristen.  They talk about how great each other’s dresses look, then they gab about how great Brody is and brush each other’s hair.  Oh, no, that would have been what happened if Brody were writing the script this week.  Since the producers are still in charge, they immediately jump into throwing insults at each other including Kristen telling Jayde to keep Brody on a tighter leash, and Jayde firing back “you don’t think in the entire city of Hollywood you can’t  find  any other guys than Justin and Brody?”   There is almost an opportunity for peace when they both agree that they hate Audrina, however things do not work out and Kristen pulls the usual Hills move of getting up and leaving pre-drink, food, bill, or goodbye.  Why don’t people on the Hills ever have to pay the tab??

Next we have two uneventful lunches.  First is Lo and Kristen, who discuss Brody getting back together with Jayde , and then Heidi fills Audrina in on her fail-proof plan of tricking Spencer into having a baby.  Apparently two people starring at her in horrified shock and letting her know her idea is absolutely terrible is not enough to deter Heidi.  So we now know that Jayde and Brody are talking again, and Heidi has a plan of secretly impregnating herself. 

Since this week on the Hills everyone needs to meet in pairs, Jayde and Brody are next.  Jayde informs Brody that she wants to have an adult conversation, and begins by telling him to “shut up and listen for once in your whole entire life”.  Brody responds that he would rather jump off a building than continue to fight with her, and Jayde sums up with, “even though you’ve been kind of a jerk I know you are not a jerk, so I think we should get back together.”  Rich, and compelling. 

Round robin continues and now we are back to Kristen and Brody’s turn to meet again, in which Brody is introduced as “Brody – Kristen’s ex-boyfriend”.  I wonder how Brody feels about his new title?  Brody fills in Kristen that he got back together with Jayde, and that he loves her and wants to work things out with her.  Kristen just stares straight ahead silently – it is hard to tell if she is irritated or trying to figure out what the cue card says for her next line.  Kristen finally lets Brody know that she hopes that he and Jayde work things out if that is what he really wants, but she doesn’t see things working out between them, and lets him know, “I think you could be with a way better girl”.  Zing!

Over at the Speidi porno-pad, Heidi has set up a romantic dinner with candles, wine, pasta, a lace nighty and bright blue nail polish.  Spencer just stares wide eyed with eyebrows raised the entire time, asking what is going on, unbeknownst of his wife’s brilliant new plan to have a secret family with him.  The best part of the meal is when Heidi says grace and thanks God for “this meal and my outfit”.  Amen!  Heidi warns tells Spencer to “Get ready for dessert”.

At Kristen’s Malibu beach house we find Stacey on her usual spot on the couch, listening to Kristen’s man drama again.  Kristen fills in Stacey on what’s been going on with Brody and Jayde, that they are back together, and that she thinks he is not happy with her.  And then she reveals that Justin Bobby has called and left her a voicemail!  And she has saved it to play for everyone!  JBobby’s voicemail goes something like, “Hey sweetheart, this is Justin, I just wanted to call you and let you know that I ended everything with Audrina, I just thought you should know that, [something inaudible], goodbye.”  Kristen and Stacey swoon over this for minute before Kristen informs her that she is “Sick of this town and all the boys in it.”

Stacey comes up with a brilliant idea for a Vegas getaway, and the girls run upstairs to pack their bags.  Who could show up in Vegas next week?  Is Heidi getting preggars tonight??  Next week should be interesting!!

Written by Pamela Cairns

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