Lots of “previously… on Dirty Soap!” scenes go by, and then we get into the latest episode.
Kirsten and Kelly are at a restaurant, and Kelly says characters on soaps get pregnant because they don’t wear condoms, and Kirsten laughs. Kirsten then starts talking about the lunch she had with Farah and how things are still tense between them. She comes to the conclusion that she and Farah just aren’t the same people they were in the past. Kelly then jokes about how, when girls on soaps don’t like each other, they get into fights and one pushes another down the stairs or something. Kirsten mentions that Kelly’s talking about one of Kirsten’s storylines on “General Hospital.” Way to slip those soap references in there, Dirty Soap producing team! Slick!
There’s a barbecue at the Gerings’, and Nadia, John-Paul, Brandon, and Farah are there. They meet Jenna’s kids, and John-Paul holds one, Jensen, I think, who weights 35 pounds. Someone jokes that Jensen looks like he’s the child of John-Paul and Jenna’s. Farah voice over’s that she’s always been undecided on whether she wants kids of her own. Other soap stars at the barbecue include Ashley Jones, who plays Bridget on “The Bold and the Beautiful,” Patrick Muldoon, who plays Austin on “Days of Our Lives,” and Mark Hapka, who played Nathan on “Days of Our Lives.” Galen starts some drinking game where everyone asks questions and has to drink if they did or didn’t do what was asked, or something like that. I missed the point of the game, and I also missed the point of this scene, because nothing happened to advance the “plot” of this episode. It seems like it’s filler.
At Nadia and Brandon’s, Nadia is tired and reads script pages from the movie she’s in. Brandon tells her he’s going to be modeling in a Mercedes-Benz runway thing in New York, and he feels insecure about doing it because he’s shorter than the other guys who do those kinds of things. Nadia’s like, “bullshit about being insecure honey, because you’re fine as hell!” She tells him she’s proud of him, and that she may not be able to be there to support him if she has to film a scene at the same time he’s working the runway.
At the Gerings’, Jenna and Galen are with the boys, who are getting rambunctious. Jenna’s mother takes the boys to play outside, and when Jenna and Galen are alone, Jenna says she feels sad about the boys growing older, and then she says she wants a little girl. Galen asks her how she’d know that their third child would be a girl if they had one. Jenna says they can ask a doctor about options to choose the sex of another baby.
Next scene is a soap star photo shoot that conveniently features all of this season’s “Dirty Soap” cast members. But before they get to picture-taking, they’re in the dressing room. John-Paul tells a makeup lady that he doesn’t want to shave. He just doesn’t do those sorts of things, or something like that. She says, “well, let me ask Farah about that, Mister!” or something like that, and then walks over to Farah, who’s also getting makeup done, and asks Farah if she thinks John-Paul needs a shave. Farah says yes, and to tell her to tell John-Paul that he HAS to shave. I think John-Paul is trading one mother in for another.
Farah voice over’s that she feels awkward with Kirsten at the shoot. As cast photos are taken, we see scenes of Kirsten looking tired and out of it between takes, and being by herself. Kelly voice over’s that Kirsten seems to have sad energy about her, and out of voice over, Nadia asks Farah if she’s talked to Kirsten lately.
In the next scene, Nadia and Brandon are at their place with Farah there. Farah tells Brandon she wants to apologize for having orange hair when they were on “Days” together. This gets them talking about the storyline they had at the time where they were married and she had a baby with another guy, or whatever. They wonder what was wrong with Kirsten, and Farah says she thinks maybe that Kirsten was unhappy with the hair and makeup job the stylists did on her and got depressed because of it. It almost seems like she’s slyly making fun of Kirsten’s appearance while she’s supposed to be concerned about her, but it’s hard to tell. She may in fact mean what she’s saying.
At a New York studio, Brandon talks to the modeling casting directors. He tells them he hasn’t modeled much but did a bit when he was 19. They tell him to practice walking, or strutting, for the runway, and he starts walking. We’re shown scenes of him trying on clothes, and then in stages of undress as he strips to his undies. Brandon voice over’s that he hopes Nadia can make it to New York to support him the night of his big show. In another scene, Brandon calls Nadia, who’s in Los Angeles eating lunching between filming scenes on her movie. She talks to him briefly but can’t talk longer because she’s busy.
Jenna goes to someplace called a reproductive center, which I guess is a kind of specialty clinic for rich people. She tells the doctor that she wants a baby girl.
On the “General Hospital” set, Kelly prepares for a scene and notices that Kirsten is lethargic and withdrawn on the set as well. We see cuts of Kirsten lying on a bed on set and looking unhappy.
Back at the reproductive center, Galen joins Jenna, and they speak with a different doctor than the one Jenna spoke to last time when she was alone. The doctor gives the couple their options if they want to specifically have a girl. There’s the first option, sorting chromosomes to influence gender selection, but then there’s the second one, which has a better chance of success. It involves in vitro fertilization where they determine genetics before an egg is fertilized, or at least, that’s what I think the doctor said. But, he adds, at Jenna’s age, there may be a chance she’d have a miscarriage. The doctor says the condition of Galen’s sperm might help them determine their chances of success, and then he asks Galen if he wants to provide a sample.
Then Jenna and Galen talk privately, and Jenna asks him if he wants to give a specimen. Galen’s unsure if he wants to and implies that all of this information is a lot to absorb all at once. They walk down the hallway, and Galen walks into a large restroom. There’s porn playing inside the restroom, and Galen jokes that he may in fact be ready to provide a sperm sample. Har-dee-har-har. Then he closes the restroom door and locks it while Jenna laughs.
In the next scene, Brandon and John-Paul are in New York in Central Park. John-Paul voice over’s that he loves New York. Then the two men jog in the park, and Brandon says he wants to work out there to make sure his abs are ok. John-Paul voice over’s that he, John-Paul, would feel insecure if he had to walk a runway with Brandon because Brandon’s abs are killer. Then they work out, and then Brandon tells John-Paul to show him his runway walk. John-Paul is hesitant to do it, but then he does, and he looks goofy.
At the General Hospital set, Kelly visits Kirsten in a room and asks her what’s wrong with her. Kirsten says she needs a nap, and then she says that she doesn’t feel good. Kelly asks her if she’s seen a doctor, and Kirsten says she doesn’t want to talk about it, and she cries.
In the next scene, Nadia has arrived in New York for Brandon’s shoot, and he’s happy she’s there.
Back in LA, Jenna and Galen are on a trail with their dog. He says he’s glad to spend time with her alone, and that he doesn’t get to do that often enough because they have two children. It would be even tougher if they had a third. Jenna says having a third child turned out to be more of a hassle than she thought it would be.
Brandon, Nadia, Farah, and John-Paul are in New York, and Nadia voice over’s that she’s happy she made it, and they get to go to great parties there, too. At some restaurant / bar / store, or something like that, the four of them have a toast to something. Farah asks Nadia when Nadia will finish filming her movie. Nadia says that she’ll finally be able to have a life again when she’s done. But filming a movie’s no different from filming a soap: it’s hectic and actors don’t always know what they’ll be doing until a few days before filming an upcoming scene. Nadia says she overheard that Kirsten is being temporarily recast on “General Hospital” because of illness. Farah voice over’s that she feels sick not knowing what’s wrong. In the restaurant / bar / store, or whatever it is, she tells the group that Kirsten has no one in her life to support her, and that Farah feels bad for her.
At a hotel room, or someone’s apartment, or somewhere, John-Paul’s paying bills by snail mail, and Danny thinks that’s weird and old-fashioned. Farah looks on the Internet to see if there’s news online about Kirsten’s illness. She reads an article out loud about the recast, but it doesn’t tell her much more than she’d already heard. Farah voice over’s that she’s scared for Kirsten. In the room again, Danny tells Farah not to be too broken up about it because Kirsten’s not the same girl Farah grew up with. I think that’s incredibly cold, and the factoid about Kirsten being a different person or a fake person doesn’t make much sense within the “Dirty Soap” show universe because we’ve only been told but not shown that Kirsten is a different person or really horrible. So we, the audience, have no real reason to dislike her or anything, which is why this whole Farah vs. Kirsten thing doesn’t have the salacious, dramatic impact it’s supposed to have.
In a hotel room, Nadia tells Brandon she has to leave suddenly to film scenes. She kisses him goodbye as she leaves. Brandon voice over’s that he’s sad Nadia’s going because she’s his rock.
In another room, Farah calls Tiffani to ask about Kirsten. She tells Tiffani that she, Farah, has had sleepless nights worrying about Kirsten. Tiffani tells Farah that her concern is strange because Farah always talks trash about Kirsten and doesn’t seem like she wants to be friends with her anymore. Tiffani also thinks it’s mean that it takes Kirsten being sick for Farah to show caring about her. Farah tells Tiffani that she’s still worried anyway and tells Tiffani to pass the message along to Kirsten.
Two quick scenes: backstage at the photo shoot, Brandon is lonely without Nadia. And then, on the movie set in LA, Nadia’s driving a car in a scene. And then….
Back to the fashion show. Brandon’s getting his makeup and hair done, and then he gets tips on how to walk from another model named Thomas Bull. Brandon voice over’s that he’s got butterflies in his stomach, but the nerves go away the closer he has to get to walking. We see shots of Brandon walking, and in one go around on the runway, he’s in these beach shorts that look like underwear. Brandon voice over’s that he stepped out of his comfort zone , and it would’ve been easier with Nadia there. And I’m wondering if Brandon’s discomfort with walking around scantily clad is bullshit. He’s stripped down to his underwear countless times in his soap roles, so one would think he’s kind of used to it by now. For years, his entire purpose on soaps was to be the typical chiseled hot guy on soaps who walks around pointlessly shirtless, or pantsless, for several scenes. And I’m sure he knew exactly what he was being used for in those shows: eye candy. So why the problem with it now?
In LA, Nadia and Brandon have a date night at a restaurant. Nadia says she’s glad to have an entertainment job as Brandon does for a living, and that it gives them an understanding of each other’s difficulties.
Farah talks with her mom at a pool and tells her that Kirsten seems frail and weak lately. Kirsten’s condition makes Farah forget about any problems between them.
